I have attempted suicide more than 10 times in my life, and the desire to kill myself is among my earliest memories. I worried constantly that I wouldn’t be able to feed my wife and son or that we would be taken by the police to some refugee camp. Another time, while waiting for produce, I was thrown out of the line and told that rations were for locals only. On the rare occasions when I went out for supplies (diapers couldn’t wait), I was cursed at and, once, spat on. Jeffrey Ruoff: Between not wanting to live and not wanting to dieįor the next four months, my family and I lived in a place that saw outsiders like us as the source of the virus. “Really, I should never have let you stay,” he told me. On WhatsApp, rumors were spreading about fellow expats being rounded up into camps.Īn initially reluctant Airbnb host took us in only a few days before a nationwide lockdown went into effect. Hotels and Airbnbs were sending foreigners away. On our way there we were nearly turned around at a series of police checkpoints. From there we set out for the most remote place we knew-a small village in the Himalayan foothills called Bir. When it became clear that Kerala was going to be locked down, we drove up the coast as fast as we could and boarded a flight to Delhi.
In March 2020, my partner, Amie our 2-year-old son, Ratna and I, who usually live in Kansas City, Missouri, were visiting Kerala, India, about to be in the throes of the country’s first COVID outbreak.
For support and resources, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or text 741-741 for the Crisis Text Line.
If you are in danger of acting on suicidal thoughts, call 911. If you are having thoughts of suicide, please know that you are not alone.
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